SGT. CARLOTTI
I'm not gay! And neither is Lyle -- officially, anyway.
DITCH
Well, I guess we wouldn't probably ever meet up, 'cause I
ain't ever goin' to Italy with homos like you there.
LYLE
I certainly hope not. You're the type of guy that shoots
homos -- like me -- in the back!
SGT. CARLOTTI
No, Lyle! I told you -- you can't admit that!
DITCH
(stands, gets in LYLE'S face)
I would never shoot you in the back, you little fairy ...
unless I was to go to Naples and spot you givin' me the
queer eye from one of them gondolas ... then I'd blow your
head off...
(pokes LYLE'S forehead)
...from the front!
LYLE
(slaps DITCH'S hand away)
Don't ... touch me!
(prissy)
And the gondolas are in Venice, not Naples.
SGT. CARLOTTI
Please, gentlemen. Let's all calm down here --
DITCH
I'll do more than touch you. I'll wipe the floor with you!
(DITCH grabs LYLE'S arm.
LYLE does some sort of
wild karate/jujitsu move;
spins Ditch around and
lands a side kick to his
stomach. DITCH doubles
over and kneels on floor,
the wind knocked out of
him, gasping for breath.)
SGT. CARLOTTI
Hey hey hey, no fighting in here! Save it for Fallujah ...
um, Lyle, that's just a little east of Naples...?
LYLE
He started it.
SGT. CARLOTTI
Yeah, but it wasn't a fair fight ... you sucker-punched
him. But, I've gotta say, it was pretty impressive for a,
uh...
LYLE
I told you I'd make a good soldier, even though I'm gay.
SGT. CARLOTTI
Please, Lyle, if you say that one more time, you will have
broken our unpublished Four Gay Self-References to a
Recruiter rule -- FGSR cubed, 1701c. Then I'd have to
write up in my report that you told me you were gay, and
you won't be able to enlist in the U.S. Army.
(CARLOTTI helps DITCH into a
chair.)
Are you okay, Ditch?
DITCH
Yeah, I guess. Man, you pack a good punch. Why did you
hit me, sergeant?
SGT. CARLOTTI
Me? It wasn't me...
DITCH
Yeah, right, like it was that little butt pirate who hit me
when I wasn't lookin'.
LYLE
It was me, you moron! And you were lookin' right at me.
(DITCH looks to CARLOTTI for
confirmation. CARLOTTI
nods.)
DITCH
Aw, man! Knocked out of commission by a flaming fairy
fruitcake? I'll never live this down.
(to CARLOTTI)
Maybe I should rethink joining the army...
(rises, begins to exit)
If I can't take a guy like him, I'll never take an
insurgent, or al-Qaeda...
SGT. CARLOTTI
No, wait ... please!
(Panicked, HE runs after
DITCH and grabs his arm,
guides him back.)
Look, Ditch, we'll train you so you can whip his butt any
day of the week. And any insurgent or al-Qaeda butt, too!
We'll give you the latest in hi-tech weapons and training --
you can shoot all you want ... you'll love it, Ditch!
DITCH
Really?
SGT. CARLOTTI
Really. I can promise we'll send you to Iraq first thing.
Hey, we got in some paperwork from Washington last week --
a new incentive package ... and a big signing bonus, too,
if you sign up today!
DITCH
Hmmm ... might be worth considerin'...
SGT. CARLOTTI
Gotta go find Lieutenant Jackson. I'll get the papers and
come back and brief you. Don't go away -- and no fighting!
(on exit, excited, Aside)
I've got to sign one of these guy up!
(CARLOTTI exits. DITCH is
embarrassed he was beat.)
LYLE
Sorry about that ... I just reacted defensively.
DITCH
(rubs stomach)
That's okay, I guess I got a little carried away there.
LYLE
Well, I must give you credit for using every synonym in the
book for gay...
(beat)
and nice alliteration there on the flaming fairy fruitcake
thing...
DITCH
Thanks.
(beat)
Where'd you learn that move?
LYLE
(fingers brooch, to heaven)
From my dad -- he was an Army Ranger.
(beat)
That's why I'm here -- to carry on the family tradition.
DITCH
(rises, rubs stomach)
Do you think I could learn to do that?
LYLE
(tentative)
I suppose I could teach you...
DITCH
You'd do that? After what I said ... and did to you?
LYLE
Sure. I'm a forgiving person...
DITCH
(tears up)
That's ... that's really nice of you...
(breaks down)
Nobody's ever done anything like that for me.
LYLE
(commiserates)
Oh, Ditch, don't cry.
(cheerful)
C'mon, cheer up. We'll go back to my place, and I'll start
you off with a few basic moves...
(LYLE does a quick flurry of
Karate moves. DITCH gives
LYLE a surprise friendly
bear hug.)
DITCH
Oh, thank you, Lyle, thank you!
(LYLE takes a whiff ... very
strong.)
LYLE
What's that cologne you're wearing, Ditch?
(DITCH sniffles, still
holding onto LYLE.)
DITCH
Oh, that. I thought it would impress the recruiter ... I
mixed some gunpowder into it.
(SGT. CARLOTTI enters with
papers, sees THEM, is
shocked. LYLE sees CARLOTTI
and raises/bends one leg
behind.)
LYLE
(to CARLOTTI, limp-wristed)
Don't ask.
CARLOTTI
(hand up like a stop sign)
Don't tell.
(BLACKOUT)
(END)
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